Birth Mothers: At the Hospital

November 30, 2010

For Expectant Mothers Planning an Adoption: The Hospital

November 30th 2010 Posted to Birth Mothers

When you are planning an adoptive placement for your unborn baby, it might not seem real at first. For many expectant mothers planning an adoption, the hospital is the place where the reality of the adoption really hits home. The days surrounding your baby’s birth will be a highly emotional time no matter what you do, but thinking ahead and being prepared can help you. Check out these tips for managing your time at the hospital.

Get in touch with the hospital as far in advance as possible. As soon as you have chosen a hospital, contact them (or ask your attorney or social worker to contact them) to learn about their policies and procedures for adoption. Sometime before the birth, it is also a good idea to take a tour. Ask questions about what normally happens in adoption situations, and don’t be afraid to speak up if the hospital’s policies aren’t what you have in mind. Be sure to find out important details like who will carry the baby out of the hospital (some state laws or hospital policies require that this be the birth mother; others the adopting parents). Being familiar with the hospital setting and knowing what to expect will help you feel more at ease during and after the birth.

Spend some time thinking about what you want the birth to be like. Who will be in the delivery room with you? Who will be allowed to visit you and the baby after the birth? May the adoptive parents stay over at the hospital? Who will be responsible for taking care of the baby (changing diapers, feeding, etc.) at the hospital? When may the adoptive parents be allowed to make medical decisions about the baby? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, and the time to think about them is well before you go into labor. Take the time to give some serious thought to what you are most comfortable with and what you feel is best for you and the baby. As tempting as it is to want to please the adopting parents, don’t let others pressure you if you really don’t feel you have the kind of relationship where you want the adopting parents in the delivery room with you.

Put your wishes in writing. Once you have decided who you want in the delivery room, who may visit, etc., make your wishes clear by writing them down and providing a copy to the hospital (some hospitals have a form for this purpose, often called a “birth plan”). Cover every scenario in your plan (for example, some expectant mothers are okay with having the adoptive parents in the room for a vaginal birth, but feel uncomfortable having them there in the event of a C-section). It’s also a good idea to address questions like whether you want to breast feed, as most hospitals have nurses visit you to help you with breastfeeding after the birth. Make sure that the adoptive parents have a copy, and also give a copy to your attorney or social worker and to anyone who will be in the delivery room with you. Because labor can be stressful and disorienting, you want to make sure that someone else can advocate for you if your wishes are not being followed.

Get clear on how long you have to change your mind about the birth plan. This is your labor and your baby, so you should be permitted to change your mind about who you want in the delivery room, etc. at any time. However, check with the hospital to make sure they will allow you to change your birth plan at the last minute. While in an ideal world you would not need to change your mind, in truth you really can’t predict how you are going to feel in labor until the time comes.

Understand the paperwork in advance. After the birth, you will be asked to sign a number of forms, including a medical release form allowing the adoptive parents to have access to the baby’s medical records, a relinquishment of your parental rights to the baby, a birth certificate with the baby’s name, etc. Because you might not be feeling at your sharpest immediately after the birth, it’s important to read and understand these forms in advance. Come to an agreement with the adoptive family about whether you or they will choose the baby’s name as it appears on the original birth certificate. Ask your attorney to explain any forms that you don’t fully understand.

Plan for support. After the birth and especially after the baby goes home with the adoptive parents, you will likely be feeling exceptionally emotional. Many birth mothers describe this as one of the darkest and most confusing times of their lives. Feeling pain, sadness, and anxiety is not necessarily a sign that the adoption was a mistake, but it is important to take care of yourself emotionally. Plan to have someone visit you in the hospital and go home with you afterward. Choose someone you trust and whom you can talk to honestly about your feelings. Tell that person the reasons why you chose to make an adoption plan, and ask them to remind you of those reasons if you need it. Have the telephone number of a counselor handy in case you need counseling in the days, weeks, or months after the birth.

The most important thing to remember about your delivery is that you are the mother, and you have the right to all the respect and deference that any other mother would get when it comes to decisions about your labor and your baby. Keeping that in mind and taking the time to learn and plan in advance will help to ease this difficult transition period.

Do you have other suggestions for expectant mothers planning an adoptive placement? Post them in the comments or email me at evaughan (at) vaughanfirm (dot) com.