November 5, 2010

Watch Your Language

November 05th 2010 Posted to Adoptive Parents,Parenting

We all know that when it comes to kids, the words we say matter. This is especially true of adopted children. Here are four tips for using positive adoption language, and encouraging others to do so, too.

Choose Your Words in Advance
For example, it’s a good idea to decide early on what you want to call your child’s biological mother. Many families like to say “your birth mother,” “your biological mother,” or “your first mother,” while others simply call her by her first name. Deciding on these words early on, even before your child is placed with you, will help you get comfortable so you can talk about adoption easily and naturally when the time comes to answer your child’s questions. If you are comfortable, your child will be comfortable talking about it, too.

Avoid Confusion…and Give Yourself Some Credit
First and foremost, avoid being confusing. During the pre-placement period, many adoptive parents fall into the habit of calling their future child’s birth mother “mom.” Obviously, overhearing you tell someone that “her mom asked us to send photos once a year” can be very confusing to a young child, and doesn’t give you the credit you deserve as your child’s parent.

Make a Visit to Your Child’s School
Ask your child’s teachers to avoid using confusing language, too. Most people who don’t encounter adopted children might not think twice about how, for example, it might be confusing to an adopted child to hear that her class is going to “adopt a family” at Christmastime.

Use Teachable Moments
Most people don’t mean to offend you when they ask questions or make comments about adoption, but many just haven’t thought about adoption enough to realize that their words could offend. While it’s easy to get irritable with people who ask if your child is “really yours” or refers to your child’s “natural mother,” it can be a great opportunity to educate people about adoption. Here are a few terms that drive adoptive families and birth families batty, and what to say instead.

  • Natural parent or real parent – Birth parent, original parents, or first parents (Example response: “There’s nothing unnatural about us! All joking aside, the right word is ‘birth parent’ or ‘first parent.’”)

    • It’s also important to note that a pregnant woman is never called a “birth mother” (or worse, I’ve even heard some adoptive families call the expectant parent “our birth mother.”). Until the baby is born she is an expectant mother.

  • Gave up a child for adoption – Placed a child for adoption or made an adoption plan.
  • Foreign child – child from abroad or internationally adopted child
  • Own child or real child – birth child or better yet, just child.
  • Unwanted pregnancy – Unplanned pregnancy
  • Adoptive parents – in most situations, Parents is the better term, unless it the modifier is needed to clarify who you’re talking about.

    • Choosing our words carefully not only helps kids feel secure and loved, it also is a more honest and accurate way to describe what happens in adoption…and keeps our feet out of our mouths!

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    Do you have more questions about adoption? Contact The Vaughan Firm to speak with an adoption attorney.

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