Adoptivity

The new magazine Adoption Constellation had an article that brought tears to my eyes. In it, adoptive mother Catherine recounts a conversation that she had with her four-year-old son, who is trasracially, domestically adopted. The whole conversation is a beautiful model of how to talk (and more importantly, listen) to adopted children about adoption, but this part especially touched me.

Sam: No, I want my real mom. I want her to be here now.
Catherine: You mean your birth mother?
Sam No, I mean my real mom. She’s my everyday mom, not you.
Catherine: It feels really hard not to have her here, doesn’t it?
Sam Yes! I don’t want to hurt your feelings.
Catherine Okay.
Sam: But I want to live with her now.
Catherine: [As the wrecking ball heaves itself out of the debris which was my heart, and gathers momentum for the next hit, I breathe and remember that this is all about him. I can do this. I can.]
That doesn’t hurt my feelings. It makes me feel good inside that you are telling mommy what is in your heart. I always want you to tell me what you need to.

Are you crying yet? I am. What’s beautiful to me about the above is that Catherine eloquently describes the devastating effect that her son’s words had, without glossing over it, but rather than shutting Sam down or telling him that she is his “real” mother and that’s that, she recognizes an essential truth of parenting: “This is all about him.”

The truth is, even very young adopted children can sense that their birth parents are a sensitive subject for their adoptive parents. They know. The very best thing that adoptive parents can do is to show their children that they, as the adults, have the strength to handle the truth, and that their home is a safe place for children to tell the truth about their feelings. It is not easy. It is not comfortable. But it is called “parenting.” We do not ask children to help us carry our emotional burdens about adoption; instead, we help them to carry theirs.

Here are the steps that Catherine took that turned this conversation in a loving direction:
Listen carefully to what your child is saying, instead of lecturing or analyzing.
Describe the emotion underlying what your child has said, without judgment (“It feels really hard not to have her here, doesn’t it?”)
Accept the emotion at face value. Denying that the child feels that way will not stop him from feeling that way, it will only stop him from telling you about it.
Act if possible, by suggesting a way to work through the emotion. For example, if you have an open adoption, you could suggest that you call the birth mother or write her a letter. If the adoption is closed, you could still write a letter, or create some ritual like lighting a candle to symbolize the emotions your child is feeling. Do it together.

One excellent resource on talking to kids (adopted or not) about their feelings is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Do you know any other great books on this topic? Post them in the comments or email them to me at: evaughan (at) vaughanfirm (dot) com.

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Do you have more questions about adoption? Contact The Vaughan Firm to speak with an adoption attorney.

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