Early in the year, we observed the anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti, and talked about why adoption isn’t always the answer for children of countries in crisis as well as hearing a real-life Haiti adoption story.

There were a number of developments in the law affecting gay and lesbian parents in 2011. We heard the eloquent young Zach Wahls address the Iowa House of Representatives in opposition to a state constitutional amendment that would have ended civil unions in Iowa. There were several of this type of constitutional and legislative initiative against family equality; some successful, some not. We also saw a troubling decision about co-parenting agreements for gay and lesbian parents in Ohio.

On the international adoption scene, the big news was from China, where the Chinese government opened up adoptions to single women in some cases.

Back home in the United States, the IRS gave some adoptive families a scare by auditing many who claimed the adoption tax credit in 2010.
The entertainment world couldn’t seem to keeps its hands off of adoption topics this year, but no one seemed to be able to come up with an accurate portrayal. Kung Fu Panda II angered some adoptive parents with its portrayal of an adopted child looking for his “real” parents, a surprise since one of the voices in the film, Angelina Jolie, is an adoptive parent herself. Meanwhile on TV, Glee also missed the mark in its portrayal of adoption topics.

What other news in adoption affected your family this year? What developments are on your adoption wish list for 2012?

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For those who, like me, have not been in the loop, two of the main characters, Quinn and Puck, are teenage parents who decided to place their baby for adoption. To make things a bit complicated, the adoptive mother, Shelby, also happens to be the birth mother of another teen character, Rachael. Shelby placed Rachael for adoption when Rachael was a newborn. Shelby is trying to forge a relationship with Rachael, and is also parenting Quinn and Puck’s baby through adoption. Got that? Okay, let the games begin.

First of all, the reunion between Rachael and Shelby is super-simplified and glamorized to high heaven. While Rachael is initially skeptical about the sudden and uninvited reappearance of her birth mother in her life, this resistance quickly dissolves in a scene where Shelby advises Rachael to believe in herself and attempt to sing the difficult song “There’s a Place for Us.” The two then sing the song as a powerful duet, ending with them holding hands and gazing at each other, belting out “we’ll find a new way of living,/we’ll find a way of forgiving.” Powerful music, indeed. It also bugged me that Shelby used the phrase “gave you up” to refer to the decision to place her for adoption.

Quinn and Puck’s adoption dynamics is no less troubling. While the legalities are not explored for obvious reasons (we adoption lawyers don’t make for good television the way that criminal lawyers and trial lawyers do), it appears disturbingly as if Quinn and Puck have simply handed their baby over to Shelby with no formalities whatsoever. It’s also troubling that Shelby speaks very harshly and disrespectfully to Quinn, her baby’s birth mother. At the end of the episode, Quinn and Puck agree that they are going to “fight” Shelby for custody of the baby. Granted, since the show completely left out the legal aspects, we don’t know whether the adoption is final at this point or not. But the show did leave the strong impression that birth parents in finalized adoptions can fight adoptive parents for custody simply because they have changed their minds and cleaned up their acts. Not true in any state, except apparently the magical state of Glee.

I’ve talked to several adoptive parents who are annoyed at the unrealistic portrayal of adoption on Glee, although several have also told me that such shows make a good starting point for talking with their children about adoption. Simply asking “what do you think about how they showed adoption on this show?” or “do you think that could happen in the real world?” can start a great discussion with older children. If kids don’t want to talk about it, just letting them know you’re there for them and making their life book or other adoption books available for them to look at is another way to deal with questions the show may raise.

It’s fairly easy to explain to kids that there are laws to prevent their birth parents to simply come and take them away by “fighting” for them, as Quinn wants to do. To me, the portrayal of birth mother reunions raises the harder issues. It’s normal and natural for kids to fantasize about their birth parents, and reunions can be a wonderfully positive thing. However, no reunion is as glamorous or as simple as Rachael and Shelby’s.

What did you think of the portrayal of adoption on Glee? Did it raise hard questions or start good discussions in your house?

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Adoptive parents today are able to get the word out much faster to a much larger number of people about their wish to adopt a child by posting to social media sites and asking their friends to re-post. There are even social media sites dedicated solely to adoption. Birth mothers could also use this method to find an adoptive family, although for a variety of reasons many birth mothers feel more private about their decisions. The elimination of the need for agencies or facilitators (both of which can be expensive and not always honest) to match up families could be a wonderful development, giving all parties more choice at lower cost.

For adoptees seeking to find their birth parents (or vice versa) the Internet is also an amazing tool. It’s easier than ever before to find a person’s contact information. This aspect of social and search media is more of a mixed blessing. It can be a wonderful thing to eliminate the gatekeepers that so often serve to keep adoptees from knowing more about their histories. However, it can also be scary for people (be they adoptees or birth parents) who don’t wish to be found. I have heard stories about children as young as 13 being contacted online by birth parents without the adoptive parents’ knowledge, which is very disturbing.

What do you think? Do any of my readers have stories about social media and the Internet affecting their adoption stories?

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As you may know, the 2010 adoption tax credit reimbursed adoptive parents for up to $13,170 in qualifying adoption expenses to adopt an eligible child, and also excluded certain employer-provided adoption benefits from taxable income. If you claimed this credit last year, you probably filled out a form that looks like this one. You probably were advised to submit a copy of your final adoption decree from the court and not much more. If this is your case, it’s quite likely that you later got a letter from the IRS asking for documentation of all your adoption-related expenses.

Many parents were told by their tax preparers that they only had to submit the final adoption decree to the IRS to get the credit, only to get notification later that they had to submit everything –receipts, canceled checks, the works. One 2010 adoptive mom’s advice to adoptive parents? “To keep good records, and not to throw anything away until they’ve gotten the full credit back. It’s taken us 2 years to get the full credit. Last year they just gave us 9K and this year they’re harassing us over 3K. And according to the other families I’ve spoken to, we’re all in the same boat.”

So, there you have it, folks: Don’t panic, but do save everything! Below is a list of expenses to document by getting and saving the receipt and keeping it in a special file for this purpose:

• Any fees paid to your adoption agency or attorney
• Any court costs, whether paid directly or to you adoption agency or attorney
• Any of the birth mother’s permitted expenses (in most states, this includes legal and medical expenses – some states also allow some living expenses to be paid by the adoptive parents).
• Your home study fee
• The guardian ad litem’s fee
• Mileage or travel expenses if you are adopting from somewhere outside your hometown
• Postage and supplies related to the adoption (your adoption profile, search cards, etc.).

Have you been audited by the IRS regarding your tax credit claim? Tell us about it here or email me your thoughts at evaughan (at) vaughanfirm (dot) com.

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Part IV: Susan’s Tips for Prospective Adoptive Parents

So given our experience, what would I suggest to parents who are considering adoption or are in the midst of the process? Here are the major things that come to mind:

• Be open-minded in considering what you are looking for. Like us, you may have one adoption scenario in mind and come to the conclusion that the polar opposite is just as good a fit, if not better. Give yourself the freedom to change your mind.
• Give full credence to all your feelings as you adopt. There were times we were so angry that we had to tell a stranger about our finances, our child-rearing principles, our families, our medical histories all because our bodies had somehow “failed” us. There were times we felt so guilty that we were taking this child away from its mother. There were times we were frustrated by the process or by professionals with whom we worked. But every single day, we approached what we did with love, and our home and lives are so full of joy now that we would go through all of it again, knowing what was waiting for us on the other end.
• An open adoption doesn’t have to be scary. Set your limits and communicate honestly with the birth family. In our case, Mary knows that Leah will never call her mom, that we will visit once a year, and that she has unlimited access to us electronically or by phone. This may not work for your family, or even more contact may work for your family. It is easier to set a small goal (we will send you a letter twice a year) and then add more contact as you are willing than to backpedal if something isn’t working for you. Be realistic and honest.
• Try to be patient. We of course wanted there to be a baby for us the minute our home study was approved, but it just doesn’t work that way. We had a fairly short turnaround time, only 2 months after approval to a match and 4 months to a baby, but there is also a potential that the process can take a couple of years. Find things to do that fill your time and don’t necessarily involve children, so as to make the time go faster and to keep you busy.
• There is no such thing as an ideal family—in a domestic situation, you never know what a birthparent is looking for. We considered ourselves bottom-of-the-barrel types who would not be chosen and yet we were chosen right away. Keep a positive outlook and present yourselves as a great family with a lot to offer!
• Be honest about what you want. Don’t feel you have to “settle” for a situation just because it could lead you to a child more quickly. All children deserve a loving home where they are fully valued for everything that makes them who they are. Accepting a placement just because it’s quick or easy without really examining if you want a child from a different culture or race could lead to difficult times down the road. What works for our family may not work for yours, and there should be no judgment on anyone’s part that you accept or decline to consider special needs, certain age ranges, certain races, certain cultures, or gender.

Please feel free to contact me at any time with your questions or concerns about adoption. I could probably write volumes about the home study process, matching process, interviews, parent profile preparation, introducing your new family member, preparing for a trans-racial adoption, and more, but Elizabeth needs her blog back. Thanks for reading!

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Part III: “We Hugged and Cried and Promised to Be An Extended Family.”

I could write volumes about the process from there out, but suffice it to say that unlike I had expected, I actually found myself wanting to have a relationship with this woman who was placing her trust in us to care for her child. She lived in a city just a few hours from us, and I got myself in the habit of visiting her weekly towards the end of her pregnancy, taking her to doctor’s appointments and spending time with her other child. She had our phone number and was able to call us any time she wanted to, and gave us her number so that we could call her. We managed each other’s insecurities beautifully, and Mary herself said that it seemed like a match made in heaven. We will never forget the day Mary and I went to the hospital to have an ultrasound done and the technician told us to expect a girl, not a boy! We still laugh about it to this day.

And finally the day came, Mary called and said she needed to go to the hospital. Twenty six hours and an emergency c-section later, Leah emerged into the world, kicking and screaming. Once she was cleaned up, I was the first person to hold her, and I whispered softly to her and took her to meet her father. The next days were a whirlwind of emotions—joy, grief, guilt, wonder, anxiety, and mostly, love. We took Mary home from the hospital, and enjoyed visits with her for several days afterwards while we waited for the paperwork to go through that would allow us to go home with Leah to our own home. Mary never wavered in her determination to let us have this child, and we never wavered in our determination that she would be able to call us or contact us via Facebook or email any time. We were impressed by her strength and bravery during the whole matter, and three weeks later, when her rights and the birthfather’s rights were finally terminated, the three of us formed a circle in the courthouse, Leah in the center, and we hugged and cried and promised to be an extended family.

We have stayed true to that determination. We have visited Mary 3 times since then, sent her lots of letters and pictures, our friends contributed cards and letters to an album for her, and we’ve shared innumerable phone calls and emails. She respects our boundaries, and she and her family have never tried to push their way into our lives, but are always happy and grateful to be included when we can make it possible.

As for Leah, what can I say? Every parent thinks their child is special, but to us, Leah is the most precious and amazing kid ever. She captivates everyone she meets, whether with her quirky habits (unlike her dad, she only eats vegetables which grownups find fascinating) or her sparkling personality (she loves to blow kisses and scream, “Hi!” to everyone in the grocery store). Elizabeth gave us a beautiful book called We Belong Together by Todd Parr, and we read it to her a lot. It’s one of her favorites and helps us incorporate the idea of adoption into her life from a very young age. Despite the external differences that might appear obvious between us, Leah has been fully accepted by our families, even members who suggested we should not adopt a child of another race.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for the last part of Susan and Mike’s adoption story and read Susan’s tips for prospective adoptive parents!

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We knew that China was tightening up its adoptive parent standards and probably would not accept us based on the disability issues, and so we decided on India. We went to the adoption seminar, which had speakers including attorneys and social workers, talking about all different types of adoption. And what we learned was that it was becoming far easier to adopt an infant domestically than it was internationally. With good reason, The Hague was tightening standards for international adoption, and it was taking a very long time to adopt overseas, but it was not taking as long to adopt from within the US. We took a card from one of the social workers who had presented and with whom we felt very comfortable, and contacted her very quickly.

Within three months, our home study was complete, and we had hired an adoption attorney, both of whom suggested to us that we should be proactive in our search for a child to adopt rather than wait around for an agency to find us a child. The most important part of the home study process for us was deciding on what kind of child we wanted. We both agreed we wanted a healthy infant, as we already have disability issues in our home that require a little extra work on our part. We wanted (or craved might be a better word) the experience of caring for an infant, as close to a newborn as possible. Other than that, we had no requirements. We did not care about gender and we did not care about race. Because this is fairly unusual in adoption, and particularly in domestic adoption, we were told we had probably cut our wait time in half, and that within a year, we could probably bring home an African-American infant with very little effort at all.

Our initial searches were very frustrating. We had one particularly negative experience around Christmas time that year in which an adoption attorney informed us we’d need to find much more cash before he could present us to his client as potential parents. Based on that interaction alone, we concluded that we would give the process one year and if it didn’t happen, then we would not renew our home study and get on with our lives.

And one month later, we got a call from an adoption agency halfway across the country that they had a birthmother interested in speaking with us, and were we interested in speaking with her? It turned out that in one of the many inquiries we had sent out to various agencies in December, we had found a fit, and here it was mid-January, and seemingly out of the blue, we were being considered! They coached us on the initial phone call, but there is nothing you can do to prepare for speaking to the woman who is considering giving you her child. We and the agency both felt it was most important to be upfront with the birthmom, who I will call Mary, about Mike’s disabilities, but from the beginning Mary did not care, nor did she care that we were Caucasian and she was African-American. We had a 10 minute chat via conference call, and then Mary and the agency hung up. Ten minutes later the phone rang, and we were told we were it—Mary wanted us! A baby boy was due in April, and he would be calling us Mom and Dad. We were delirious—laughing and crying, no idea who to call first or what to do with ourselves!

Can you relate to Susan and Mike’s experience so far? Tell us your experience in the comments! And be sure to come back tomorrow for Part III of Susan and Mike’s story, about the birth of their baby girl!

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Part I: Meet Susan and Mike

Hi everyone! Many thanks to Elizabeth for inviting me to write an article for her blog, a site I find inspiring and informative to all parents, pre- and post- adoption. My name is Susan and my husband Mike and I are adoptive parents of Leah, who is 2 years old.

In June 2008, my husband and I set about the odyssey that is adoption. It’s impossible to believe it’s been three years, and how radically our lives have changed. I hope in sharing some of our journey, I can express to you the importance of several key factors in pursuing an adoption of any kind: flexibility, openness, patience, and strength.

To give you some background… We had tried unsuccessfully for nearly 7 years to start a family. During that time, it became more and less important as various events in our lives occurred: periods of unemployment, moving to an entirely different state and part of the country, new careers, family responsibilities. It finally occurred to us when we bought our home, which of course came with lots of bedrooms that we intended to fill, and our car, a station wagon Mom-mobile, that there was probably something going on that we weren’t getting pregnant. We decided to undergo medical testing, but we also agreed that if there was “something”, regardless of what that something was, we were going to pursue adoption. And of course, just a couple of weeks later, we found out there was indeed something, and immediately joined Resolve, the National Infertility Association (resolve.org). I was thrilled to discover after joining that they were holding a seminar on adoption near our home, and signed us up to attend.

Mike and I talked about what we wanted in an adoption plan. For years, I’d been watching Adoption Stories on the now-defunct Discovery Health Channel, and always had in mind that I’d adopt someday. Based on the stories I’d seen, I felt comfortable that we should adopt internationally, given that I did not want contact with the birth family, and I felt that probably no one in the US would accept us as the adoptive family to their infant. Why? Because Mike is multiply disabled, being both totally blind and partially deaf. We could not imagine that there was a birthparent out there who would look at us and say, “I want them!” despite the fact that once our baby arrived, we did intend for me to quit working, as Mike’s career track and income made that more than possible.

Be sure to come back tomorrow to learn how Susan and Mike’s expectations changed as they learned more about adoption, and how they chose between domestic and international adoption.

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First of all, know that these adoption scams are extremely rare. Most birth mothers are honest and trying to do the best thing for their babies. Second, know that there are ways to protect yourself from adoption scams. I’ve listed them below.

• Work with an experienced adoption attorney or agency. Most qualified adoption attorneys and agencies keep an ear to the ground regarding what’s going on in the adoption community, so they will know what the latest scams are. Choose a lawyer who practices adoption exclusively, and don’t be shy about calling him or her if you feel a birth mother seems suspicious.
• Know your state’s laws about payments to birth mothers. Every state has strict rules about what an adoptive family may pay to a birth mother, in order to protect both the birth mother and the adoptive family. Educate yourself about what expenses you may pay for a birth mother in your state. If a birth mother asks you to pay for something that is not permitted, explain to her that it’s not legal for you to do so. If she insists, that’s a red flag.
• Beware of requests for money or help. One thing all adoption scams have in common is that the supposed birth mother at some point asks the adoptive parents for something, usually money. Usually these scammers are taking money from multiple families at once. In one adoption scam I know of, the “birth mother” asked families if she could live with them for several months! Be aware of your state’s laws about what adoptive parents are legally permitted to pay for and give to the birth mother, and when in doubt, call your attorney.
• Beware of birth mothers who are reluctant to go to prenatal appointments or counseling. If a birth mother refuses to get prenatal medical treatment, it could be because she is not pregnant at all! If your adoption attorney is experienced, they will get the name of the birth mother’s treating obstetrician and her appointment dates. The same can go for refusal to attend adoption counseling, which can also be a red flag of a birth mother who may change her mind at the last minute.
• Beware of birth mothers who won’t share any information. It is normal for a birth mother to wish to protect her privacy. However, there is a certain basic level of information that anyone who is serious about making an adoption plan will be willing to share. Don’t work with a birth mother who won’t give you her correct address, telephone number, and the name of her treating doctor for the pregnancy.
• Stay connected to the adoption community. If there is an adoption support group in your community, join it. In such groups, adoptive families and prospective adoptive families share stories and information. If someone has been the victim of a scam, they can quickly and easily sound the alert among other adopting families.

Have you ever encountered an adoption scammer? Post your experience in the comments or email me at evaughan (at) vaughanfirm (dot) com.

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